“When you least expect it, you’ll wake up one day and realize with horror and dread that you’re married to a bona fide alien, someone who originated from another planet entirely.”

“No one, but no one, expects you to climb over that wall thing. That’s only in the movies!”

“For several years, I deeply suspected that my mother-in-law was trying to poison me with her famous red velvet cake.”

“Whenever Vanessa suspects Gavin has been seeing Cassandra, she hits the mall for another round of her favorite new hobby: revenge shopping. Gavin’s only saving grace is that Vanessa wears very high heels, so she tires easily. But Gavin still won’t be able to retire until age 97. ¡Qué lástima!!”